Let Go
by keepcalmandwrite
Summary: "NO!" So many emotions surged forward as he cried out in anguish, his girl, his beautiful girl was hurting so bad and he couldn't fix her, and now she was falling and he couldn't catch her. "Please!" Natasha is a shell of a once strong woman, can the team save her before she breaks? Self harm, dark angst and attempted suicide. Steve/Natasha.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, so I wrote this to express some feelings I guess. It is a dark subject and I am giving a trigger warning, I suppose not many people will want to read this but maybe some can relate? **

**I'd love to hear your opinion, should I do a second chapter?**

It felt like something was being pushed into her stomach, down her throat, she was choking, she couldn't breathe. She tried to cry instead, but the tears wouldn't come, she sat in a puddle on the floor beside her bed, too tired to move. She raised her hand and held it against her cheek, she tensed her fingers and felt the muscles harden, she briefly marvelled at how strong she looked on the outside before dragging her fingers down her face and neck, her nails digging into her skin, her flawless skin, her flawless skin, it was bleeding, crying.

She desperately kicked her legs out, wildly flailing, hitting the air that was surrounding her, the air that she swallowed every day. She was struggling, trying to bring herself to the surface again, she was in water, the air had abandoned her like everything –everyone- else. Inside her head she was mumbling incoherent strings of words that made no sense to anyone but herself. To her she was telling the truth, her life riddled and scarred with pain, pain no-one else could understand, she was alone and she knew it. She squeezed her eyes closed and curled her hands into tight fists, letting her fingernails pierce her palms, little bloody curves appeared, she thought they were disgusting, she thought they were her.

Natasha allowed her body to tremble as she was tackled by the wall of emotions that hit her repeatedly, again and again, again and again. She couldn't stand but she wanted to, she needed to get to the bathroom, it was all there. It was her secret cave of ugly truths and beautiful destruction, pain beyond measure was caused there but it was emotional as much as physical. It was her release, sweet but tinged and burnt with gashes of guilt, deceit and truth. It was where her knives lived. It was where her cuts were made. It was where she belonged.

Natasha raised her arms and placed her hands on her mattress, she pulled herself up. As soon as she did so her hands sunk into the soft material, she shut her eyes and imagined lying there on her bed, falling asleep, not worrying about tomorrow because there wasn't one. She would be done. But, of course Natasha knew that was not the way the world worked, there would always be a tomorrow, that was just life…so maybe she didn't want life, maybe she wanted the opposite. The thought of nothing was welcoming, it enveloped Natasha in its soft wings and wrapped its light feathered arms around her, the end, at least she knew would be peaceful.

Natasha walked towards the bathroom, she had made her decision which was probably why she glided with such grace and clarity, she knew where she was going and what she was going to do when she got there. She smiled inwardly and thought, _life is good when you know you have a way out, at least now I can leave on my own terms, this is my decision and mine alone, so fuck you life. Fuck you. _

She pushed open the bathroom door slowly, she stepped onto the cool tiles, her bare feet screamed in protest but she enjoyed the way it brought her back down to earth, which she was of course about to leave. It was ironic to her how in her last minutes she was more at peace and happier than she had been for months, still she knew why she was content, she was back in control and the previously overwhelming emotions were now at bay. Well, no, that was a lie, they weren't at bay, Natasha thought they were at bay but in actual fact they were teasing her and pushing her towards the edge, until her feet were dangling off, until she could look down and stare deep at the emptiness that she would soon tumble into.

Natasha let out a shaky breath she didn't realise she had been holding, she delicately lifted her arm, her smooth fingers relaxed; she twirled her fingers around the bathroom cupboard handle and pulled it open. Immediately her eyes settled on her razor and then flitted across to her pale arms, they were attractive, elegant would be the word to describe them, but they were scarred. Scarred with pain and misery, panic and stress, line after line of red scars, cut marks. The image began to blur as Natasha tasted the salty tang of her tears dribble off the edge of her lips into her mouth and spread onto her tongue. She smiled as the tears leaked down her face; she picked up the razor, no longer bothered about cleaning it, instead she turned on the taps to her bath and turned back around to face the mirror. Languidly, as if her body was made of glass she began to undress, she could barely hear the running water, all she could hear was the screaming in her head, the voices of everybody she knew, she could vaguely hear herself but she was being drowned out, suffocated.

She stared blankly at herself in the mirror, the image was being obstructed by the creeping condensation covering the glass but she could just see her small broken form. Without warning a threatening growl ripped free from her throat, she lunged forward and slammed her arms straight into the foggy mirror. Forcefully she pulled back and stared at the shattered shards that had scattered onto the floor, she began to laugh, it was a cruel painful laugh as she ripped the remaining fragments of glass from her skin. Natasha looked back towards the bath and, razor still clenched in her hand, stepped unhurriedly into the clear water.

As she rested her back against the end of the bath she looked down into the water. Soft swirls of red had leaked from her arms into the water; timidly they curled themselves around her body dying the water a pale red. She brought her broken arms to the surface and watched as the water spilled away from her skin, setting her free, she placed them on the edges of the bath. Waiting. She was still clutching the razor but she knew she was doing the right thing, nobody cared about her, and they wouldn't care if she died. And if they did care about her they would let her go, life was too bitter, too sour, she couldn't cope properly the only way she could was to hurt herself further. Besides this was her only option, she couldn't explain to them what was happening to her because she didn't know, her whole life was being infested with brutal emotions that ripped her apart and left her pieces. Natasha wasn't stupid; she knew they were catching on…the other Avengers.

Tony had added a plush couch into his 'private' lab, he had banned anybody, even Pepper, from going down there, he said it was his space. However, he had sat down next to Natasha one day and demanded that she follow him, she had because she had just cut herself so she was feeling unusually mellow. He had led her quickly to his private lab, then shown her the soft couch –black her favourite colour- and pushed her down; he had softly explained that she could come down here any time she wanted, Natasha didn't know whether she had imagined this but his eyes seemed sad when he looked at her. But why would he be? He didn't care.

Steve had been more…talkative. The Avengers had had to attend an important gala for abuse on women, horrible memories had re-surfaced inside Natasha so she stayed sufficiently beside the bar, trying to ignore the greasy bar tender hitting on her. She could feel the subtle glances from her teammates directed at her constantly throughout the evening, like the bartender she rigidly ignored them. That is until Steve sidled up to her, he placed a soft hand on her arm, she automatically flinched away, worried he would discover her cuts. He didn't remove his arm instead he cupped her chin and turned her to face him.

"Nat, you know you can talk to any of us anytime, about anything right?" his voice was clearly concerned, Natasha's gaze had been lowered but she snapped her eyes up to meet his at this. She opened her perfect mouth in a circle and leant up to Steve and hissed in his ear,

"If you ever touch me again I will kill you." She meant every word and the soldier knew it. He watched as she glided towards the exit, aware of the fact that all the other Avengers were staring open mouthed at her. She wasn't their problem though, that much she did know.

Bruce and Clint had tackled her together; their attempt had been short lived because Natasha tore them down before they could react. She was curled up in the corner of one of the couches in the living room, wallowing in her pain, she was lonely. Clint had knelt down next to her and gripped her hand, hard, Bruce materialized on her other side, he sat down and nudged her with his elbow softly.

"Baby, please tell us what's wrong, we want to help all of us do. We can see you're upset, hell even Stark's getting serious about you." Clint's voice and words were comforting, Natasha felt herself leaning into his and Bruce's touch, she very nearly told them everything, but she didn't. Instead she pulled back as if someone had hit her.

"Don't." Her voice was meant to be strong and powerful but it was weak and soft, she looked at them and goddamn it their faces were full of sorrow and pain. But they were lying; Natasha knew she mustn't feel bad; they were tricking her to find a weakness. "I need to go." She left and didn't look back.

Then it was Thor's turn, Natasha was storming through the hallway having just returned from a horrible mission, she had ended up cutting her arm several times on the journey back, craving a relief. Unfortunately in desperation she had ripped her sleeve and as a result her arm was completely on display, she hoped she didn't run into any of the other avengers but of course she did, because that was her luck.

"Lady Natasha what has happened to your arm?" Thor asked in shock when Natasha small body slammed into his large frame as she tried to scurry down towards her room.

"Nothing Thor, I got injured on a mission I'm fine." She tried to brush past the muscular god.

"No, I must take you to get some medical attention." He demanded his loud voice radiating through the hall. He tried to take her 'uninjured' arm but on pure instinct Natasha reached up and sharply slapped him. He looked taken aback, as did Natasha, neither had expected that harsh of a reaction. She didn't apologise though, she couldn't, that might give too much away, this was her problem no-one else's. She scuttled away.

Looking back on it now, as Natasha lay in the warm water she came to the conclusion that maybe she should have tried to be nicer to her teammates. She angrily slashed at her wrist, bringing the razor in a vertical line, pressing hard and deep. She repeated the action on her other arm, watching the red blood pump out and cascade into the bath, like a small waterfall, Natasha decided to –as she let go- be completely honest with herself. Perhaps they did care; maybe it was herself that didn't give a shit, not that it really mattered now.

As Natasha began to slide slowly under the bloody water she thought to how they would react when they found her. She didn't know, her mind was to scattered but it was finally peaceful. As she felt her senses dulling, the pain fading, her vision blacking she was more content, she had chosen this and it was going to happen. However, in the hidden curves of Natasha's mind thoughts were screaming at her, strangling her, trying in vain to break free, they told her to scream, scream for help, to save herself. Natasha sighed as everything went dull and numb, she was slipping away, by herself, by her own hand, suddenly without warning panic seized her. It wrapped its heavy arm around her chest and began squeezing; she forced herself to calm down. She had chosen this, but her mind was spinning, the world was spinning, she was drowning in confusion. The urge to pull herself out of the murky depth took hold and she scratched the side of the bath trying to pull herself out, it was too late. She fell back, her body sinking into the red water, her eyes shutting. Fear, regret but tranquillity all hit her at once she didn't know what to feel or think so she let go, and just as she did she heard the heartbroken cry.

"Natasha…"

She let go.

**Maybe you could leave a review if you think that was any good…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm honestly not sure whether this is the last chapter or what, so drop me a review and let me know what you want, if you want anything. **

**This is in honour of me not cutting for two weeks and then completely letting myself down and cutting again on Friday and of course friend issues! **

**In this Natasha has green eyes and Steve has blue. **

**I hope you like this. **

Waking up is peaceful. It's the moment between consciousness and unconsciousness that's the sweetest. You dwindle in this state of relaxation, not caring about the day ahead or the problems you have to face, but unfortunately like all calming things, it's sparse and fleeting, only lasting seconds. Natasha didn't expect to ever experience it again, she assumed she would die, was it relief though? Maybe. She wasn't sure. When she had cut herself deeply and watched as her blood drained like her life, she had expected peace but instead panic had taken over, so she was confused and lost. Unable to know what was going to happen now upset her, all these emotions and thoughts had tackled her before she had even opened her eyes.

She wasn't a cliché. She didn't think, _am I dead? _She knew she was alive, she just didn't know how. She was sure that everything she had done last night, _last night? _Would insure her immortality gone. But apparently not because she could feel the glare of white fluorescent strip lights attacking her eyelids, she could smell the sterile acidic stench dripped in the air, she was in a hospital. Oh, yes, she was most definitely alive because those jackasses must have gotten her here and saved her life. No, no, saved is the wrong word, hijacked, stolen or seized is more appropriate.

Natasha remembered the soft desperation whispered,

"Natasha…" from last night, she was fairly sure it had come from Clint but it could've been one of the others. Those men had cruelly interfered with her life…or death, either way she was now stuck having to face all those mocking, judging faces that wouldn't be able to comprehend why she had done what she had done. Natasha was no coward; it was time to open her eyes. The only reason she wasn't afraid to do this was because she was an assassin, she had guns everywhere, a bullet was her way out, and so she had a way out and honestly she would more than likely take it.

The first thing that greeted her was the painfully white ceiling, that and the heavy breathing of someone near her, she languidly rolled her head down to see who it was, bright blue eyes met hers, they widened and moved back…it was, of course, Steve Rogers. He stood up sharply sending his chair scraping against the floor; Natasha flinched from the noise after just discovering the pounding in her head.

"I'm so sorry." Steve whispered quietly, Natasha wasn't sure whether he was apologising for the chair or something else. She continued to stare at him, shocked at how she drank in his form, his muscled arms and furrowed eyebrows, dark circles under his eyes; she was relieved to see him. She hadn't expected that.

"It's 'kay." Natasha muttered back, her voice cracked, not from emotion but from the sharp dryness currently stabbing her throat. Steve reached out and picked up a glass of water beside the bed, he placed it to her lips and Natasha drank. She detested his kindness and his attention, but she was thirsty so she allowed it.

"You scared us." Steve said, while carefully placing the now empty cup back down, he stared deeply at Natasha. "You really scared us."

"I know." She didn't meet his eyes.

"Why did you try?" Steve blurted out after several seconds of silence, he immediately stammered out, "No…err, I, you…you don't need to answer that!" he realised that he shouted and looked even more guilty, he raised his large hand and ran it down his face. Natasha ignored his question,

"Where is everybody?" her voice was timid, unintended to come out that way but had happened anyway. Steve's expression softened and he pulled his chair –gently this time- next to Natasha's head.

"We agreed that you wouldn't want us to all crowd you, so we decided I should stay, as the leader, but of course more importantly your friend. Look, you might not want to tell us why you tried to…you know."

"Kill myself." Natasha interrupted bluntly, Steve moved his hand and held it over hers softly.

"Kill yourself, but that's ok, we don't need to know if you don't want to tell us. But regardless, we are going to help you because we're a family." Steve said, he was trying to be gentle and caring but he had just said the worst possible thing.

"I don't need or want a family Rogers!" Natasha hissed, she dragged herself up against the headboard and Steve moved back, understanding that she needed space. However, the soldier knew that the only way to find out anything about Natasha was to ask her when she was showing her emotions, like now…anger.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because my family were killed in a fire, ok. I watched as my parents burnt alive, I listened as they screamed in agony, I was six! And then I thought I was saved by a man that promised me he was like family but he turned me into a killer using torture and abuse, mentally, sexually and physically. Family leave you, and family hurt you and I sure as hell don't need any more of that." Natasha finished her rant and her eyes widened as she realised what she had just admitted.

It was strange though, a small relief had been injected into her and she felt lighter, she watched as Steve's eyes darkened as he took in the new information, perhaps she would have felt guilty , if her eyes hadn't of lightened at sharing her pain.

"We would never-"Steve bowed his head, "never hurt you. I promise you that, and we will never leave you. Do you know that despite you being unconscious for two days and nights we have stayed here the whole time and even though we agreed you wouldn't want to see everybody they're all still in the hallway outside because they care, we all care Natasha."

Natasha looked down at her arms, she was surprised to see them bandaged, and she didn't like it. She loved and loathed her scars, she loved how they reminded her of what she could control, what she could do to herself, but she loathed the way people stared when they saw them. She took a deep breath and willed herself to ignore Steve's words, he was lying, why would they care about her?

"I want you all to go." She said slowly and carefully, pronouncing each word perfectly. She wrapped her right hand around her left forearm and pulled her knees up to her chest while resting her back against the headboard, she wished she could sink into it.

"Nat-"

"No Steve. I want you all to go. I can't do this with any of you, I'm leaving the Avengers and that's that. You can't change my mind."

"No, Natasha plea-"

"Leave me alone."

Natasha looked up and Steve looked down, green met blue. But, green was cold and icy, however blue noticed there was pain and sorrow buried deep inside green. Steve knew he would need the other guys help, he nodded and rose slightly. He tried not to think about leaving Natasha, which was the last thing he wanted to do.

"I'll see you soon Nat."

Green didn't answer.

**I'm sorry if you wanted something happier, I would really love a review it might cheer me up. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for the reviews. I just want you to know that they genuinely make me feel so much better! **

**Warning for swearing, if you don't like it tell me and I'll try and avoid it, otherwise it probably will carry on, assuming I do another chapter. **

**Oh and Kimbee I loved the way in your last review you phrased my cutting on Friday as a 'speed bump' ;) that made me laugh and I needed it, so thanks **

Natasha could feel it building up; she wasn't sure what _it _was per-say; she just knew what it felt like. It was like a building mass of inky darkness gathering behind her back, until it was seeping all around her, smothering her, dragging her deeper, until she couldn't see clearly anymore. It pushed her and pushed her, it invaded her mind and body, it completely took over, until this thing, this 'it' wasn't separate anymore. It had evolved into Natasha, it controlled her, it stopped her laughing and smiling, it made her memories re-surface and…it…never…left.

Roughly half an hour after Steve had left Natasha found herself wandering into the adjoined bathroom, she was fully aware that Tony had probably paid the medics to give her a private room with an en-suite but honestly she didn't care. She was looking for something…something sharp. Immediately she could tell the bathroom had been searched and stripped of possible dangerous objects and no doubt by the other avengers because there was a large hand dent in the cupboards (made by Thor or possibly Steve) and a muddy footprint that could only belong to Clint.

Growing steadily more desperate Natasha began ruthlessly ripping the cabinets open and sorting through extra towels and other toiletries in desperation. Still though she was unable to locate the only thing that would give her solace, she was repeating a mantra in her head, _razor, knife, scissors, _anything that could cut her went onto the list. Eventually after ten minutes of double checking she had to admit that there was nothing available, they had even took the mirror. She glanced at the wall and wondered whether she should throw herself into it, she could hit her head, which would work. Natasha also knew that that would make noise and no doubt somebody would hear and stop her, she glanced around the room while biting her lip, at least she could always make that bleed.

"Sorry hun, there's nothing here." She knew that voice straight away, that narcissistic bastard's voice. Natasha stood up slowly and took a deep silent breath, before turning around to face her newest visitor.

"I wasn't looking." She lied carefully, obviously he knew what she was up to but she wasn't going to admit to self-harm, she knew he would judge and just…_wouldn't understand. _ No-one ever did, not even the other people that do it to, she was completely and utterly alone.

"Right and I'm a Mexican bull fighter that shoots rainbows out his eyes." Natasha tilted her head to the side and looked questioningly and Tony he just shrugged and continued talking. "We made sure there was nothing dangerous, better to be on the safe side and all that."

"I'm not a child Stark." Natasha growled she knew why they did it really; it looks bad to the public if one of _the _Avengers kills themselves. Tony took a step closer to her, his chocolaty coloured eyes darkened and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh no, you're definitely not acting like a kid. You're being super responsible trying to kill yourself and not even thinking about the people that care about you! How do you think it felt to get this horrible gut feeling that something was wrong and walk in on that…you looked like you were dead. Well, actually you did die, later in the ambulance so why don't you think about that huh? You got what you wanted, you died, so now how do you feel Natashalie?" His words were sharp and they were being shot at her like little darts, each one piercing her weak fleshy outside.

"I never wanted to die Stark!" Natasha said back, also shouting. "That's the thing people don't fucking get, I didn't do this because I wanted to die, I did it so the pain would stop! And I am so fucking sorry to 'hurt' you bastards, but honestly I was thinking about myself because I didn't know what to do. You, all of them," she gestured to the door wildly "were the least of my concerns, no-one wants to die but they do want the hard shit to stop." By the end of her speech she was standing straight in front of him, one of her fingers digging into his chest, just left of the arc reactor.

"Everybody has hard times, you've just gotta get through them." Tony said through gritted teeth, still his words were unhappy, they reminded Natasha of little wasps that chase after your ice-cream and don't give up until they have it.

"Oh, okay. I feel so much better now, so why don't we talk about you. You make it sound so damn easy to just 'get through' the hard times, but how did you handle your hard times. That's right I remember now, you nearly drank yourself to death, how many times did you have to get your stomach pumped because of alcohol poisoning?" Natasha shot back, she was breathing heavily in her rage and Tony's face began to turn red.

"Don't bring that up! That isn't fair, we're here to talk about you!" he shouted, leaning down so he could stare into Natasha's face, she didn't pull back.

"No. No. No. I don't want to talk about me! I already told Steve, I don't want your help, and anyway I'm leaving as soon as I get out of here, so just do me a favour and go!"

"Fuck no! You really think I'm going to let you leave us when you're like this? You've got to be kidding, because you are not going anywhere!" Tony and Natasha were both so caught up in their argument they didn't see Steve enter the room, his face covered in shock as he watched the spy and billionaire scream at each other.

"You're such a hypocrite Tony! You Egotistical twat!"

"Psychotic bitch!"

"Bastard!"

"Russian-"

"That's enough!" Steve shouted, he grabbed Tony's arm and led him towards the door. He tried to pull back to get back to Natasha, both their eyes were dark, but just as Steve pushed him out the door Tony grinned at Natasha, her eyebrows crinkled in confusion as she watched him grappled out and roughly shoved to the floor, once the door had been shut and presumably locked Natasha heard the accusations fly.

"Stark how dare you do that to her! Do you really think that going in their screaming at her like a mad man helped?" Natasha didn't have the energy to listen to Steve's angry rant so she crawled over to her bed and lay down in defeat, utterly exhausted, just so tired. It hadn't occurred to her until just that very second that she had needed to shout at someone, but she had. It felt good to completely scream at someone and for them to scream back, you never get to do that in real life. She knew her words hadn't really hurt Tony and his hadn't really hurt her, she understood his smile at the end. He had never intended to remain calm or let her remain calm, unlike Steve who thought Natasha was like a fragile glass and any little thing could upset her, Tony thought Natasha needed to release the anger and not pretend it wasn't there.

Reflecting back on it, Steve was definitely wrong, although yes Natasha did try and kill herself, she was still alive and even before the suicide attempt, all the bad things that had happened, somehow even if that was through cutting Natasha survived. So, although she was breakable now and any little thing could set her off, she was still tough, because she was still alive regardless if she wanted to be.

So then, Natasha fell asleep feeling lighter…safer.

But the problem with 'it' was…it…never…left.

**Do you want a pairing? If yes which one? For the record 'it' is whatever you imagine it to be, for me it's depression because that's how it feels to me, I'd be happy to hear your thoughts though. **

**Please review, it really does make me smile **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi, thank you to everyone who has ever reviewed this story, you're all so supportive and helpful and make me feel so much better, so thank you for that. **

**I figured you guys might want a **_**slightly **_**less dark chapter, and I didn't have to proof read sorry. **

**I hope you like it. **

"Do you understand what I'm saying Miss Romanoff?" Natasha pointedly ignored the doctors' words as he tried –and failed- to stand in front of her vision so she would have no choice but to talk to him. "Please answer Miss Romanoff?" Natasha crossed her arms and gave the doctor a sharp look.

"I understand." Natasha's voice was cold but not because she didn't care, it was cold because she was scared…not that she would ever admit it, but scared of facing the truth, when things have names it makes them become a reality, and this doctor was trying to make her problems a reality. Yes, they already affected Natasha's daily life up until the point she wanted to end it, but in her own head it was just a dark cloud. But this…this name was just wrong because it wasn't true. It wasn't a thing it was just a heavy dark cloud…it couldn't become a reality in her mind because as soon as it did, Natasha knew it wasn't going anywhere.

"Ok, well I'm going to have to insist on you having some company and Agent Barton volunteered, so he'll be in shortly." The Doctor grimaced as he saw Natasha's body stiffen, but knowing there was nothing he could do he headed towards the door.

As soon as he stepped outside, five large bodies were straight in front of him, each one asking several questions at once.

"Is she ok?"

"What happens now?"

"Can she come home yet?"

"Is she still upset?"

"Hold on! Hold on!" The doctor shouted, already beginning to feel his blood pressure rising, when Fury had given him this case he assumed he was being promoted but now he wasn't so sure. "Ok, if you would all take a seat I'll explain." Bruce was first to move, he grabbed Tony's arm and led them over to the shiny plastic chairs that always dug uncomfortably into people's backs. The five men sat in a line; Bruce, Tony, Steve, Thor and then Clint, they all sat staring wide eyed and waiting for the doctor to continue.

"Is she going to be ok?" Steve asked, deciding to take charge and try and figure out Natasha's diagnosis. The doctor glanced down in his lab briefly; he stroked his large left hand down his beard as he tried to avoid the question.

"Hopefully, it all depends on how much she wants to help herself and how much you are all willing to help her." The doctor flipped open a chart as Clint practically shouted out,

"We'll do whatever we can, no matter what." The other men nodded but the doctor didn't smile, he grimaced and continued.

"Good, she's going to need the help. We believe that Miss Romanoff has Major Depression with severe suicidal tendencies and self-harm, it is extremely serious and can potentially lead to death if not handled correctly. However, Miss Romanoff will have to leave the hospital soon after we have prescribed her medications and psychotherapy sessions which will be later today and as much as you all may disagree with this, if she does not want return to, erm…your tower, then she does not have to." Immediately the five remaining Avengers started protesting, Thor, Steve and Tony all jumped to their feet and began shouting their concerns, Bruce put his head in his hands and began to breathe deeply, while Clint wandered over to Natasha's room and, without glancing back, pushed open the door and slipped inside. As soon as the door was shut he was greeted with,

"Fuck off."

"Nice to see you to, sweetie." He crooned while walking up to the curled up assassin.

"I mean it Clint; it's easier if you just left now. Then you can cut your losses and I'll disappear as soon as I get out of here and you don't have to care anymore." Natasha's voice wasn't bitter or sad, it was monotone but Clint had known Natasha for so long he could understand her micro-expressions and sounds, so he knew her voice was laced with a delicate desperation, a silent beg for help that Natasha herself probably didn't even know was there.

"Sorry sweetie, but if you try and leave I am going to follow you anywhere and do you really think that the others out there, your friends…your family, are going to let you leave." Natasha shrugged but moved ever so slightly nearer to the edge of the bed, closer to Clint. "And that's just for the guys; do you know what Pepper, Jane, Betty, Darcy and Maria would do? They would cold blooded murder anybody that went near you, in fact we told Pepper that something had happened but we didn't explain what, so she ran down here like a mad person, and when she got here Tony was being Tony and Pepper absolutely lost it at him, it was hilarious." Clint explained softly, watching as Natasha's body slowly relaxed.

"Really?" she asked sceptically. Clint nodded and moved towards Natasha gently.

"Yeah, she was upset Nat. She told me to tell you that she has a spa day booked for just you and her and that you can't leave her alone with all the guys." Natasha didn't say anything and Clint allowed the silence to stretch before them.

"I can't do this." Natasha began to mumble, "I'm sick of being me, I don't want to carry on, please, Clint…please help me, I need your help. I need to go, I need to leave, this isn't right, this is wrong! It's wrong Clint! It's wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Fucking wrong!" Clint moved towards the shaking woman but she backed away from him and nearly fell off the bed, showing Clint just how scared she was.

"Shh, it's okay honey. Come here, you can come to me Natasha, I won't move. It's ok. I've always been here for you and I'm not going anywhere now." His voice was soft but it had an equal amount of strength, it was something for Natasha to hold onto. She whimpered and he outstretched a hand over the bed, she gingerly touched her fingertips to hers. Within seconds she was in his arms shaking and whimpering.

"Steve." She muttered quietly.

"No, I'm Clint Natasha." Clint said carefully unable to ignore the pang in his heart.

"No, I want Steve, can you get him?" Natasha asked, she was shaking badly now and tears had started to form in her eyes, like crystal drops that belonged in the ocean, Clint also noticed how she was gripping her forearms tightly, exactly where she cut herself.

"Okay sweetie, hold on, you've gotta let go of me so I can go and get him." Natasha nodded and released her archer, immediately she began running her hands harder up and down her arms. Clint jogged to the door and shouted impatiently for Steve, all the guys jumped up but Clint assured them it was ok; he stood to the side to let Steve enter. As soon as the soldier stepped in he spotted Natasha and in an instant was cradling her into his arms and to Clint's surprise, Natasha let him.

"Steve…Steve." Natasha started rambling again until Steve let her put her head in the crook of his neck and wrapped his arms completely around her, once again she allowed him. Clint decided it was time he left but as he turned around Natasha panicked and began squirming and shouting his name. "Wait Clint! Wait! Please stay…" her voice had gone from hysterical to barely there, barely alive.

"Ok Nat, I'll stay I'll watch over you and Steve, and Steve will watch over you as well, so go to sleep." Clint's voice was soothing as he moved back towards the couple who were now a puddle on the floor.

For one hopefully, stupid minute, Clint thought that maybe they had really helped Natasha but then he realised she was still gripping her arms and biting her lip until it bled.

But she was smiling.

**Feel free to take that as a good ending or bad, I thought you guys might one a less dark chapter so I hope you like it. **

**Again I want to say thank you to all the kind reviews, you're all so supportive. **

**I know this is weird but I've got a bad day tomorrow and I'd love it if you told me what you guys are doing tomorrow, apparently its meant to help keep me calm :S so I can think about other people if I panic, weird right? Anyway, I'd love it if you did but obviously don't if you don't want to. **

**Review if you'd like too…? **


	5. Chapter 5

**Dedicated to TiffOdair – for the long conversation we had tonight over PM, I hope you take the chance. **

**Thanks to every single reviewer, I mean it when I say you are my life line. **

Natasha looked down the clean hallways; they shined as the polished white floors reflected the uncomfortably bright fluorescent strip lights. She looked across at Steve who was stood on the opposite side; seconds ago she had been told she could leave the hospital and had been presented with several different types of drugs and time appointments for counselling. It was stupid that they thought she would go.

"I'm not going back there." Natasha deadpanned; she purposely ignored the crestfallen expression plastered across Steve's face. He held out a hand to her,

"Please." He muttered, she just shook her head. She lifted her shoulder bag into her arms and began to walk down the corridor, Steve followed like a shadow, he didn't say anything, and he never walked quicker than Natasha despite his natural ability to. "We will come and get you." He warned but the words barely even registered to Natasha who stared blankly ahead whilst counting her footsteps that were speeding up with each pace.

"Good luck with that." She responded automatically and Steve knew he was already losing her and she wasn't even out of the hospital.

"Natasha, if you do anything, even a scratch on yourself, legally we can bring you back to this hospital." His voice was meant to be comforting but it came across desperate, Natasha sensed this and took advantage, like a hunter stalking its prey and spotting a weakness.

"There are two problems with that, first one is that you won't find me so regardless of what I do you will not know. And if in the off chance that you do find me then yes, legally you can drag me back here but I will be sent out again in seconds and believe me I will make sure you do not find me again." Natasha stopped as they had reached the doors, she grabbed Steve's arm and he turned to face her, "No matter what I have to do, you will not find me again." He understood her double meaning.

Suicide.

She let go of his arm and tried her best to block her feelings, she didn't want to leave the guys. Stupidly she had grown attached, she wanted to feel safe again and the only place she ever felt remotely safe was back at the tower with the guys (and girls) surrounding her.

"I'm sorry Steve, but I have to go." Natasha took a deep breath and turned to leave through the glass doors, from her point of view the world outside looked blurred and distorted. Maybe in reality it was and she was actually seeing it clearly.

"No, that's the thing though you don't _have _to go, you can come back with me, I'll look after you, we'll look after you. Natasha I don't think you realise how much we all love you and how much we don't want to lose you." He tried to stand in front of her vision but Natasha pulled away.

"You're right I don't have to go, I want to go."

Silence.

Steve didn't have an answer.

"Goodbye." He whispered.

"Goodbye." She agreed.

**Should this be the end? **

**Or should I write her recovery? At Avengers Tower? Or without the guys? **

**Or should she not recover? **

**I know it's annoying when I beg for reviews or when there's a really long author's note so I'll say this now, feel free to skip this, you don't need to read it. This is me purely venting and probably depressing you if you do read it. **

**So lately I've started planning suicide, I mean not because I'm 100 per cent going to do it, but I would say there is a good chance, I dunno I just can't do this anymore, I can't keep pretending and I feel so alone. I think I want to go on my own terms, that's the idea and that's what I want, but if I do try it there is no way it's not going to work because I can't let that happen, I don't want the attention that would cause. God, I sound like I'm going to do it, I might or I might not. Who knows. **

**I'm sorry if you just read that. **

**I hope you have a good night. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Your reviews were ALL so supportive; I re-read them all like five times. Thank you especially to the guest who left the quote, you'll understand when you read the chapter. **

**But I'm sorry; I still don't know what I'm going to do, but thank you all for trying, I owe you all. **

Natasha's eyes scanned her new apartment. The walls were a dirty cream, with peeling corners and old rough carpets covered the cramped floor. After walking out the hospital and away from Steve and the other guys Natasha had expected to feel uplifted, instead she felt burdened and tired. As if a heavier weight had been balanced on top of her shoulders, it added to her dark mood and she really wanted it to stop. Her body felt absolutely exhausted, her mind felt worse, and it gradually pulled her further and further away from the surface, away from help.

She dropped her bag by the door and moved towards her bathroom, she had been living here for three days, completely by herself; she hadn't had contact with the other Avengers or Shield since leaving. She had known that escaping her old life would either do one of two things; she would either get a completely new lease of life and begin to properly live again, or finally find the solace she needed to end her days.

Turns out it was the latter.

Natasha thought about dying a lot, in fact she had been thinking about it continuously for more than a year. She had always imagined that she would be brutally murdered by a perfectly aimed bullet slicing her skull or blunt rusty knife puncturing her soul. But now, now that she could end it in her own way before all her enemies discover where she was hiding, she knew that she had to take the chance, before they did.

She wasn't scared; it was as if a numbing ice had spread itself across her emotions until she was left with a thick layer of protection against anything that would make her back out of it. She felt her heart speed up as she realised that this was going to happen, she really was going to die soon, it was real.

It was real.

It wasn't fear that had injected itself inside of her…it was a strange nervous adrenaline that had been her body's natural reaction as she planned her death. Her hands were shaking and still her heart was thumping, it was heavy inside her chest and Natasha realised it would soon be still. She felt as if she was committing treason against her body, but she knew, this had to be done.

Why hadn't she done it yet? She was scared it would fail, that she would wake up again or, god forbid, someone would find her and take her to the hospital. It couldn't fail; it just couldn't because if it did it meant there was no escape. She had always relaxed in the thought that she could take her own life if things got that bad but if it didn't work then she knew she would completely lose her. The pitiful remainder of her safe thoughts and emotions would be shattered into thousands of tiny pieces and scattered until they were nothing but dust.

Slowly like a processional march Natasha stepped towards her bathroom, her gun resting on the counter…a sure fire way to commit suicide if there ever was one. She hoped that she wouldn't end up brain dead and if she did she prayed the other Avengers would pull the plug on her.

Let her escape.

With her still so shaky hand she picked up the gun, the gold metal soothed her burning hand and she was reminded of a kind mother comforting her small child. Hot, fresh tears streamed down her face, but they did not belong there, they belonged in an ocean. She placed her finger on the trigger, a small curve of metal that was her liberator. She raised the gun, fully aware of it trembling; she let out a heavy breath as she opened her mouth.

'**It was like I had the gun in my mouth, my finger on the trigger, and I loved the taste of gunmetal.'**

**Robert Downey Jr. **

"It's ok Natasha, I've got you." He soothed.

"Help me." She moaned.

"I will, you're not alone." He promised.

"But I am, I'm scared, don't leave me." She whimpered.

"I'll never leave you." He vowed.

"But what if I leave you?" She asked.

"I won't let you." He said.

"I'm sinking." She whispered.

"I'm holding you and I can swim." He retaliated.

"I don't really want to go." Natasha mumbled.

"That's why you're staying." Steve answered.

**That didn't even make sense to me…but the other avengers are coming into it soon.**

**I have a question though, how do you deal with a bad week? How do you keep going? I need a way to get through this week without doing something stupid, any ideas? **

**As always, take care. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Some Tony and Pepper for you all. **

**Your reviews are absolutely perfect, I can't thank you enough. **

"Urgh…" Natasha groaned, her head was thumping and her neck was in an uncomfortable position, she rolled her head to the right and immediately felt something pressing against her nose and cheek, the side of a body. Out of reflexes she jumped back and her dull eyes shot open, she tried to scramble back when she quickly realised she had no weapons on her, before she could fully move something had wrapped themselves around her arms, holding her in place. "Let me go!" She yelped out viciously, her eyes now squeezed shut as she wriggled under the muscled weight restricting her.

"Nat! Little Red, calm down!" The voice was firm but calming, immediately Natasha recognised it, she stopped struggling and instead froze. Carefully she re-opened her eyes and saw she was face to face with Tony. He laughed at the shocked look on her face and winked when she let out a shaky laugh. But she didn't find it funny.

"Where the hell am I?" she asked, a hint of anger in her tone. She looked around the luxurious room and came to the conclusion that she was back in,

"Avengers Tower. Steve brought you back last night, no-one else knows you're here though, except me and Pepper obviously, you're on our floor." He was still pinning her arms down and Natasha shook them in frustration, he swiftly let go of her and let her sit up. The whole room had a calming atmosphere, the lights had been dimmed to a comfortable light, and the curtains were open to reveal a blackened New York City, the stars hung above them like little fairy lights dangling in the sky.

"Oh. Why am I on your floor then?" she asked, her voice softer as the comfort in the room sunk into her. She readily welcomed it. Tony rubbed his back awkwardly,

"Steve was forced onto a mission and we didn't want you to be alone and well…honestly I wanted to look after you." Neither were comfortable with the emotion that had filled the room, Tony cleared his throat and Natasha avoided eye contact.

"I didn't think you cared." Natasha muttered calmly, she leant back into the plump pillows that let her sink slowly into them. Tony let out a heavy breath through his nose, trying to show his disappointment.

"Me and Pepper were talking about you a couple of nights ago." Tony lay down next to the relaxing spy, he placed one of his arms under his head.

"And what did you say?" Natasha inquired, cracking one eye open.

"We both love you. Lots. In fact we always saw you as a daughter figure." Natasha's breath hitched but Tony placed a comforting hand on her arm, he knew the story of her past after hacking her Shield file. "But I would never be a Dad like the bastard that hurt you, and I know you know that. Anyway, come out when you're ready Pepper is dying to see you and I don't think I can restrain her much longer." With that he pulled himself off the large bed and slipped out the room.

Natasha was not used to seeing the softer side to Tony, in fact it was a little bit too strange. She liked his sarcastic remarks and narcissistic attitude…but honestly she also enjoyed his caring attitude because it was so rare. She knew he meant it. She knew she owed him.

So, taking a heavy breath she pulled herself off the bed and looked in the long mirror opposite her. She stumbled back in surprise, her cheeks were hollow and her eyes dead. Both her forearms were wrapped in bandages, too skilled to be done by Tony so clearly done by Steve, her whole figure seemed smaller, she seemed more delicate, no…no, fragile. Still she knew what she had to do, she made her way towards the bedroom door after taking a few more calming breaths and running a hand through her tousled hair.

"Pepper…?" Natasha called out quietly as soon as she had exited the bedroom and gone out into Tony and Peppers kitchen. Almost immediately Natasha heard her name screeched as a pair of surprisingly strong arms wrapped around her.

"Oh my god. You need to eat you look so skinny! Your poor arms. Are you taking your medication? Come and sit down I'll make you something, oh Nat…let me give you another hug!" Pepper's voice had reached a crescendo and Natasha gently pulled out of her vice like grip. Tony appeared from nowhere and wrapped a careful arm around his girlfriend's waist,

"Pep…" he warned pulling her away, straight away her face fell a little and tears welled up in her eyes.

"Nat! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…I just…I'm sorry." Natasha felt a wave of guilt wash over her and for once she didn't push her emotion back, she grabbed Peppers hand and pulled her back into a hug, finding a small amount of comfort in her companion. People always put Pepper into the category of weak but she was far from it and Natasha knew that the older woman would do anything necessary to see her best friend right again. It was weird because suddenly Natasha realised she was crying, tears were streaming down her face and she was leaning heavily into Pepper who easily took her little weight, Tony walked over and joined in the hug.

It would have been a strange sight.

A moment of weakness for them all.

"We've got you." Tony mumbled into Natasha's ear, she allowed Pepper to pull away and run into the kitchen to make some food while excepting Tony's help in leading her into the living room. "We won't let you fall." Natasha looked up at him and across at Pepper's gentle expression. She nodded and mumbled,

"I know."

**Today my friends told me I was annoying them because I was too sad and had too many negative thoughts. Apparently its really getting to them all. They don't get it. **

**Heads up, if I don't update again stuffs happening but if I do then well then it's not. **

**I hope you enjoyed a slightly lighter chapter, as always take care. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I have never been to New York so if I got the part about the bridge wrong I apologise. Again thanks to my reviewers, you guys are still my life line. **

**If you're feeling suicidal, this may not be appropriate. **

It was frustrating beyond belief. Every time Natasha stood up she was knocked back down again, but each time it was harder to get back up, until she just wanted to lie there and stay down. She knew that the team were determined to get her better but she had come to the conclusion that she didn't want to. She was sure that they thought she was attention seeking, after all it would be her second attempt, so she did the natural thing, she began to pull away.

She regretted moving into the tower again massively, she wanted to be by herself, she didn't go to any of the teams' dinners or activities. They wanted to ask her, well no, they wanted to drag her to them but they knew she would be gone in a heartbeat if they did. She had avoided contact with them as much as possible because if they saw her for a long amount of time then they would notice. She covered her arms constantly, and rubbed them when nervous, she was cutting again but no-one knew and she was determined to keep it that way. Her life was bad again.

"You okay Nat?"

"How are you hun?"

"Are you feeling better today?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Were amongst the most frequently asked questions, and they were always replied with a tight lipped smile and folded arms figure as she muttered,

"Yeah."

"Fine."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

They definitely didn't believe her but no-one pushed it and for that Natasha was grateful, perhaps though it would have been better if they did.

It was a Friday night and Natasha exited the tower for some time alone, she was un-prepared for the cold air that bit at her arms, funnily enough she didn't feel it and she carried on roaming the streets. As she made her way towards Manhattan Bridge she idly wondered about how much time she had until someone came out to look for her, judging on the worried looks the other avengers had been giving her she estimated half an hour at most…plenty of time.

She thought she would have felt confident and certain it what she was doing because she knew it was what she wanted, but deep down, deep…deep down, perhaps she wanted to hide in Steve's big arms and just let the guys protect her. But she would never allow it, she was not weak. Suicide, she had decided was not her being weak, it was her being strong, to actually gather up the courage to end her life and stop the pain instead of forcing herself through it. It was logic really. Why live painfully when you can die peacefully.

See? Logic.

She walked up towards Manhattan Bridge; the wind seemed to push her towards it, towards her escape. It was after all the only place that Natasha could actually commit suicide as Jarvis was monitoring the tower now, if she even raised the knife or gun, knowing Tony she would probably be injected with some sort of sedative drug before she could blink.

It was oddly comforting though, the sound of passing cars and shouting people, it let her know that she was small and insignificant…it reminded her she was small and insignificant, as soon as she jumped the world would carry on but she would not. She was okay with that. She pulled herself onto one of the metal ledges and behind a pillar so no-one could spot her. Peering down below she breathed heavily and shut her eyes, trying not to focus on the fact that falling from this height and hitting water would be like hitting concrete. It was not her preferred method of suicide but it would definitely succeed. She was certain it would succeed.

The wind blew around her, taunting her, pulling her, it was time to say goodbye. She dangled a foot over the edge, shaking as she taped her foot against the empty air; she placed her hands on the metal behind her and it reminded her of the soothing cold of a razor. She tensed her trembling hands and pushed away from the side, immediately plummeting.

She had jumped.

She had fallen.

All alone.

**I don't know whether this should be the end or not? **

**And if you're wondering, I am still not better, still got the anxiety, depression and insomnia, still got suicidal thoughts but I'm still here so I guess that counts for something. Sort of. **

**I'd love a review, I probably won't continue unless people want me to, so it's up to you. **


	9. Chapter 9

**20 reviews?! You guys have made my day and I really needed it, I had another panic attack this morning but I didn't cut again so that's 10 days! **

**Guest – Please get an account I would love to talk to you and see if I can help, suicidal thoughts are really hard to deal with alone. If you don't want to that's ok, just read the reviews to this story and see what people have been telling me, people do care because they all bothered to write something to a complete stranger they don't know, trying to persuade me to live. I want to do the same for you. **

**More team centred because I can't deal with heavy emotions today. Sorry. **

Steve savagely slammed the chair again the wall, unaware that he was yelling, yelling incoherent strings of words. He pushed his fist straight through the plaster and rested his forehead against the wall, still hitting it. He could hear them behind him, shouting at him, begging him, pleading him to calm down. He was there Captain, the one who never lost his cool; he was always calm and collected but not anymore. Instead he tipped the glass coffee table completely over, it shattered against the hard wood floor; he stood there panting for a minute. He could hear Pepper whimpering as she stood behind Tony who had his arms out in a defensive manor. Clint, Bruce and Thor all stood still…understanding.

"Steve," Bruce said, his voice calm; it was ironic to Steve how he was the one who lost his temper, it gave him a brief incline into what Bruce felt the majority of the time, he found a new respect for the doctor, "you need to calm down and take a breather." Anger flared up in the soldier again but nothing was within arms distance he could throw so instead he held his head in his arms and let out a strangled cry.

"We can get through this." Tony muttered, for once his sarcastic nature was hidden as he realised the seriousness of the situation; it scared him that Steve reacted so furiously. They all watched as Steve removed his hands from his head, he surveyed the destroyed living room, shards of glass littered the floor, several chairs were smashed and there was a hole in the wall. He looked guilty.

"Steve honey, don't worry about the room, it's ok." Pepper said, her voice was soft and comforting, she stepped out from behind Tony now that it seemed safe, she didn't want Steve to think she was scared of him but honestly she was. She had never seen Steve so emotional, never seen him so furious, and in his fit of anger he had used his strength and Pepper had never realised just how strong he was. It was intimidating but now, Steve just looked like a kicked puppy stood in the centre of a large room and lost.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, a tear running down his face, the others realised how young he was as he sniffed like a child. "I need to get out for a bit, if you just leave it I'll clean it up when I get back." He offered gesturing around him but before anyone could reply he was walking towards the door, hands in the hoodie that Natasha had brought for him and feet shuffling in the boots she had chosen. Once he was gone the remaining group turned to face each other, all of them wearing distraught expressions, Pepper and Clint had tears in their eyes.

"I need her." Clint whispered, he sounded so broken it physically hurt them to listen, "I need Nat, she's my best friend, she's stayed with me through everything, I love her, I need her." His voice kept breaking but he still spoke. Everyone had thought he would be the one to react violently but instead it was Steve while Clint just seemed lost and in pain. Tony shuffled to the bar that contained several broken bottles he plucked an undamaged bottle of whiskey out and took a swig. Pepper and Bruce frowned but didn't say anything. Thor just stood there. He too was lost.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Steve wasn't too sure where to go so he went to the one place he felt he needed. At first he dragged his feet across the pavements being noticed by a few people but when they saw the look on his face avoided him completely, soon though he began to jog that is until his heart sped up and he was sprinting, he needed to get there. Urgently.

He leapt up the stairs missing four at a time, he was against the clock, he burst through the stairway door and ran up the hallway. He exploded into the room, and breathed a little calmer when he spotted her. She looked so fragile, her beautiful red hair splayed across the pillows, a shallow cut on her forehead and especially pale skin. As he dragged a chair quietly and carefully next to her small form he remembered the events of earlier that day…

**FLASHABCK**

"Hey, have any of you seen Nat?" Clint asked as he walked into the living room, Thor and Tony were battling out on Mario Kart as Bruce read a book and Steve lay with his eyes closed, just relaxing. An uneasy silence settled over them as the game was paused and Steve sat up,

"No, we've all been in here. The last time I saw her she came down to the lab to see what I was doing and that was a while ago." Tony muttered, Clint's eyes widened and Tony shouted out, "Jarvis!?"

"Miss Romanoff left the Tower 24 minutes ago, she has not returned since." The cool calm British voice said the words that the men did not want to hear.

"Fucking hell," Tony breathed, he shared a look with Steve before pressing the buttons on his wrist band as the Iron Man suit covered him from head to toe. His now metallic voice sounded stronger through it, "Thor we need to go, now." The God of Thunder nodded and summoned his hammer, his face set hard as he thought about saving Natasha, the woman he now considered a sister. Before anyone could say anything else they were gone, searching through New York for one assassin that was especially good at hiding.

Steve knew better,

"Clint, Bruce, she'll be at the bridges." Their eyes widened, "I'll take Manhattan." Steve ordered as he began to run out the door.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

He arrived just in time to see her fall, and no not jump…fall. Because that was it, she was falling and they were supposed to be there to save her but none of them were. As cliché as it was Steve screamed out,

"NO!" So many emotions surged forward as he cried out in anguish, his girl, his beautiful girl was hurting so bad and he couldn't fix her, and now she was falling and he couldn't catch her. "Please!" He yelled as he watched her tumble down, time didn't slow down it sped up and the super soldier knew he couldn't do anything to save her. Her red hair flew out behind her and she just looked so damn beautiful, like a falling angel, Steve felt himself falling.

No, no, crashing, he was crashing.

Just as she was about to hit the water something shot over Steve and straight towards Natasha. It was large and green, and it slammed straight into her, wrapping her in his large arms, they both skidded into the water and Steve prayed to god that his girl was alright but he knew really. Really, he knew.

His girl wasn't alright.

**END OF FLASHBACK **

Natasha had been taken straight to the hospital by Tony who had flown in after the Hulk and picked her out of his arms, no-one had expected the Hulk to be so protective as he tried to swat Tony away as he tried to take the assassin back but Thor distracted him enough so Tony could snatch Natasha.

The doctors had confirmed that she was in coma and not likely to wake up, her heart rate stayed low and they told the Avengers they could pull the plug, of course they were nearly electrocuted, shot, blasted, smashed and hit with a shield so the doctors amended their words and decided it was in everyone's best interests to keep her alive.

And that's why Steve sat by Natasha's bedside, wondering whether she would ever laugh again, whether she would ever fight again, or cry again, or tease Tony again. Whether she and Clint would go on another mission together, whether she would relax in Bruce's lab, or fall asleep next to Steve as they watched sad films together, whether he would ever hold her as she cried, protect her when she was vulnerable, or laugh when she was happy.

He didn't know. He was scared.

"Nat, I love you ok, I want you to be safe no matter what, I would do anything for you. I wish we had swapped places because I don't want you to hurt. I'm so scared without you, please help me, you might not know it but you're my rock, but now I'm lonely and frightened, I need you to hold my hand, and tell me it's going to be ok. I need you to wake up, please honey. Please don't let go" Steve's voice was the only sound in the room apart from the beeping heart monitor. There was a soft knock on the door and Clint looked in,

"Hey Steve," he didn't mention the tears falling from the soldiers eyes and in return Steve didn't mention the ones falling from Clint's. "We should go back to the tower; Pepper wants everyone together for dinner." His voice was so monotone that Steve realised he wasn't the only one hurting, he felt guilty.

"But Nat will be alone, she might wake up." Clint nodded in response and came in the room, he sat down on the opposite side of Natasha and the two men sat in silence watching her. "This is my fault isn't it?" Steve asked softly, stroking a thumb over Natasha's soft small hand.

"No, it's all our faults." A different voice answered, Clint and Steve looked towards the open door and saw the rest of the team and Pepper stood there. "We should've been there, all of us." Bruce said softly.

"But we are now, and we mustn't lose hope." Thor added his voice was soothingly low.

"We can fix this as a family." Tony mumbled, looking a little worse for wear with bloodshot eyes and slouched posture, Steve patted his back as he entered the room.

"Nat just needs to wake up." Clint added, everyone turned to face the red head. She didn't move and neither did they. They all looked at each other.

"So now we wait." Steve whispered each of them taking various places around the room.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

Tony shot awake, his head ached as he cracked open his eyes, blurry lights and shapes greeted him. He relished in the few seconds of time he got before he remembered where he was and why he was cuddled up to Thor. He moved away from the large demigod and rubbed his eyes grumpily, he wondered what had woken him until his senses came back to him.

"Get up!" He yelled as loudly as he could at his fellow asleep Avengers, he ran to the hospital room door and shouted down the corridor, "I need a doctor! Now!" Immediately he jumped back to Natasha's bed and began rambling, "Come on honey wake up! Stay with me, don't do this-"

"Tony!" Pepper yelled but Tony couldn't hear her.

"Don't you fucking leave me!" He screamed, unable to feel Bruce's arms pulling him back, "I won't let you go! You can't go!" It wasn't until several doctors ran in did he allow himself to be dragged out, watching as Thor grabbed Clint, while Pepper stood in front of Steve pushing the soldier out away, his face blank of emotion.

What had woken the billionaire up?

A flat lining heart monitor.

**Should Natasha die or not? **

**Do you have tumblr? I've just joined and I am completely lonely on there. **

**Again guys, you're all so supportive and wonderful, you're really helping me out. And I genuinely wish I could thank you all personally because you don't realise how much better I feel when I see a review, particularly to this story as its so many of my own emotions. **

**If I get 10 reviews this story gets 100 please guys please! **


	10. Chapter 10

**I decided to update quicker because of the 13 reviews I got. I wanted you all to know that (as sad as this is) I saved them on my phone so when I get down and I don't have me computer I read them and think, these guys actually care. **

**Guest (E) – Ok, its fine if you can't make an account I just hope you don't mind the reply being somewhere anyone can read it, but I am here if you want to talk, I will reply. I promise, if you keep fighting I will too **

**Kimbee – You are just…amazing. Thank you for everything you've ever said to me! **

Being in a coma was strange, peaceful was definitely one way Natasha would describe it. Perhaps also frustrating, purely because she was stuck between life and death, trapped in limbo. Natasha knew where she should be, she should be lying in the bottom of a river having plummeted off Manhattan Bridge, yet she was alive...kind of.

Painful was another word.

The throbbing of her ribs was the most annoying, she silently cried as she begged her body to move, even an inch, but it ignored her pleas and she remained in her aching position. Not only the physical pain but also the mental, hearing her team beg her to fight and live. Imagine something you just don't want to do, whenever you think of it you just want to run away to a different country or isolate yourself, but now imagine people (although you don't want to admit it) who you do care about all begging you to carry on living. That was how she felt about life. She wanted to die but they wanted her to live.

Well no, she didn't grow up thinking 'when I'm older I want to die!' It was never her goal to die but it is very much her goal to stop the pain and the only way she can do that is to end everything. But it had failed...how many times? She had lost count, but she was still breathing so it didn't really matter.

She felt a heavy hand covering her own left one, she immediately recognised it as Steve, how could she not? That's when she listened to him say it...beg her, tell her that he needed her, she was his rock, that he loved her.

She knew in that second that she didn't deserve him. She wanted to talk, to tell him to stop wasting his time and move on from someone as fucked up as her but she couldn't. She could scream it in her head, at herself but not at him, and he was the one that needed to hear it. She recognised Clint's voice then, and maybe some others but things began to get hazy and suddenly she wasn't listening.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

When she could focus on the words floating around her head Natasha quickly deduced that Bruce was speaker, his quiet voice was a comfort from the yelling thoughts in her own mind. She began to take solace in his soft sounds and she used them as a rope to pull herself back to near conciousness.

"I know what it's like Nat." His voice sounded calm and this shocked Natasha, "To want to kill yourself. It's not that you want to die it's just that you want to stop living, I understand. Hell, if it wasn't for the other guy I'd be dead now, but for once I am so grateful for him because I wouldn't give up the Avengers for anything. My life got better and you need to trust me when I tell you yours will too."

Natasha considered his words, so many people said it would get better but how could they say that? They may have felt how she was feeling once but they were better! They were out of the hole, it was easy for them to shout back down and say 'you'll get out eventually' but for her, for Natasha, she was still in the hole not knowing which way was up, let alone having the energy to climb out.

It was easy for him to say now. But when he had the gun to his head she doubted he would have believed his own words. So now she didn't either.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

Tony was the next one to give a speech, honestly Natasha hadn't been expecting it, she had expected a kiss on the forehead and a mumbled apology. Nothing more, nothing less. Emotions wasn't Tony's department and it wasn't Natasha's either, it had always been a mutual understanding. But now, things had changed...

"Hun, what the fuck? Why am I here? This isn't right, you should be happy but your not and it pisses me off that I can't make you happy. You and Pepper are my girls, always will be, and I look out for my girls. Let me look out for you, when you wake up -and you will wake up- if you're ever scared or sad or even tired, come and find me and I promise you I'll fix it. I will drop everything and run to you because you do mean that much to me. Natasha if you can't fight, I will fight for you, just please don't leave me yet."

He didn't say anything else, he got up and he walked out, the chair scraping alone the floor momentarily. Natasha knew if she had of been awake she would have cried.

But she wasn't and she didn't.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

Clint didn't speak much, that was a surprise because the idiot was usually mumbling on about stupid things as a bloody running commentary. But today he was quiet, Natasha assumed he was just watching over her, as her hawk normally did. It wasn't until (roughly) two minutes of tense silence had passed did Natasha realise why her bed was shaking. Clint was resting his elbows on it, with his head buried in his hands and he was crying.

That hurt.

Still though he didn't speak, he didn't need to Natasha could practically feel the waves of strangled emotions flowing from him. From her partner. She wanted to wake up then and soothe him, but she knew she would be plunged back into the icy pain that was life. So she lay still, and allowed her partners muffled sobs and flowing tears fall down on her. When he did speak though, he said something that was pure torture.

"Nat, Coulson's gone please don't leave me too."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

Thor had never really been much of a talker in Natasha's opinion, he was usually one to take action straight away and deal with the consequences later. The god of thunder had always intimidated Natasha, he was just so big and strong that it was hard to ignore his booming presence. But now, as he cradled the smaller assassins body in his arms, Natasha realised he was a gentle giant.

"Lady Natasha, I was not aware of your struggles and I realise now that perhaps I could have helped you but I didn't. I will never forgive myself for that. I should have known, I should have acted on it, and I regret my ignorance. But now, I will promise you this, for the rest of your life I will protect you. I used to think that I didn't have a sister but now I realise that I do and it is you. You are now under my protection Lady Natasha. I am afraid this means I will not let you go." Natasha could practically hear the smirk in his words.

She couldn't help it...mentally she smiled back.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

It couldn't be.

Why was he here?

How was he here?

"Miss Romanoff, I assure you we are still enemies but I must give you my superior opinion, think of it as a gift. If you die, I will no longer have someone to match intellectual power with, therefore I am not prepared to let you go just yet." The silky voice grew softer. "Believe it or not, I do understand your pain and despite our mutual hatred I must tell you that your life is worth more than this. Do not give up because we both know you are far from weak, of course not as strong as I, but regardless, you can and will get better. Just don't die, because I plan to kill you."

Was that even real?

Surely he was in a prison on Asgard...either way Loki was in Natasha's thoughts and for once she didn't mind.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

The dizziness came first, then the constant sound of that infuriating beep. Natasha felt her chest begin to constrict as her lungs demanded air but she was unable to take any. She should have panicked but she felt something jammed into her wrist and soon a peaceful wave of tiredness swept over her. As she faded away she heard yelling...screaming, it was Tony he was shouting at her. Doctors were still prodding and poking but she didn't want them, she wanted her team. She wanted her soldier, so with her last ounce of strength she mumbled the word she should've mumbled along time ago.

"Steve." The tiredness took over but as it did something warm encased her hand.

"I'm here."

**If you review I will track you down and hug you…well I won't 'cuz that's be weird, but I will be so grateful. **

**Your review means so much to me. **


	11. Chapter 11

**I don't understand how you guys can be so nice. Do you know how good it makes me feel when I see that I got a review, particularly in this story. Thank you. I really wish I could say more. **

**Guest (E): The first letter of my name is G **** Please find some way to make an account, I really wanna chat properly and I'm glad to hear you keep fighting, that makes me want to carry on a little too. **

** : Yeah I'm ok, pretty much the same as before but I still haven't cut yet! But I think I will soon…still, how have you been? **

**Warning for brief drugs mentioned, and alcohol and sex but nothing really too bad. It's just very dark and some may not like reading that, so you have been warned. **

"Tell me where it hurts honey." Steve whispered softly as the silence wrapped itself around him and Natasha, he felt like they were in their own world. Unbreakable, alone…it was so quiet. He stared down at the small assassin; she stared back with cold, dead eyes. "I want to fix it." Natasha turned her head to the right slightly, it sent sparks of pain throughout her arms and higher back but she ignored them.

The doctors had worked frantically to save her life after she had flat lined, on a normal person they would have let it go but the silent threat from the other Avengers and the bribes from Tony was enough to keep them going until Natasha was alive again.

She was beyond embarrassed, yes she wanted to die, but contrary to popular belief, suicidal people did care about other things. For example Natasha cared what the team thought of her; she wouldn't be able to look them in the eye any more without knowing that they knew. They knew what she tried to do and what she failed to do.

They would tiptoe around her, treating her as if she was made from delicate china, as if any little thing could push her over the edge, but that was the thing – she was already over the edge. Natasha heard Steve's pained sigh and with huge amount of effort, she turned her head back around to face him, at this point she was glad he had sent the others out the room earlier.

"You need to leave." His head snapped up at her soft voice, despite everything it still sounded the same, except slightly more tired. He shook his head adamantly and she cursed his stubborn nature, she hadn't wanted to do this but she needed to. For him. "I don't love you, I heard what you said but I don't love you back." She watched as his shoulders sagged and he lowered his face into his palms. This was America's superhero.

This is what the Black Widow had done to him.

What Natasha had done to him.

"But you said my name." He mumbled, he sounded as if he had been the one to jump off the bridge. Natasha was building her walls back up, she didn't want to be with Steve, she didn't want to be with Clint or Thor or Bruce or Tony either. Most importantly she didn't want to be with herself.

"I was going to tell you to leave but I passed out before I could." She cringed at her own words; they made her sound so weak it was unbearable. "Steve," She reached for the soldiers hand and a glimmer of hope shone through his eyes at the contact. "I don't love you. At all." She knew that did it. She watched his heart stop.

And crack...

And slowly break...

And then completely shatter.

The two heroes stared at each other before Steve stood very slowly. He started to walk towards the door, his posture low and weak. Natasha squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to identify why her vision had gone blurry and her cheeks wet. However, she was unable to ignore the painful weighted constriction of her heart as her gut flipped in synchronization with it. She could hear the hospital door as it was pulled open slowly, she jumped violently (this was another thing that upset her, ever since being revived she would flinch at any loud noise) as the door was slammed with a strong force. Her eyes shot back open when Steve's fierce voice rang out.

"You know what Natasha, you need to stop this! It's stupid and irresponsible, life gets hard ok? I understand that, I really do but this is the wrong thing to do. You need to stop pushing everyone away and stop trying to hurt yourself because it is just so damn selfish. It's so hard to wake up everyday knowing that the woman I love wants to die, I've tried, we have all tried, to help you but we can't if you won't accept it!" Steve shouted, his voice filled the room but Natasha's expression didn't change, instead she just muttered...

"Leave." Steve clenched his fists in response and pulled open the door, just before he stormed completely out he turned back to face Natasha.

"Maybe I should give up on you. If you won't help yourself get better, then maybe I'm better off without you." His voice was filled with controlled anger, his eyes burnt as he stared at the woman on the bed, she just stared coldly back, he let out a low growl and pulled the door shut behind him.

Natasha let the tears fall as her heart stopped.

And cracked.

And slowly broke.

And then completely shattered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She sat at the old bar, the room was moist and smoky and the joyful shouts of men and women mingled together in the thick air. The walls were a dark brown, and several old fashioned pictures were hung up, a darts board was on the left wall and a group of seven players surrounded it. There was a constant background of chattering voices, clinking glasses and music.

"Can I buy you a drink?" The man had sat down next to her without her even noticing, she gave him a sideways glance and surveyed his form. He was a big guy, dark chocolate hair with contrasting sky blue eyes, his arms were nicely muscled and he had a mischievous smirk.

"Sure." She replied, turning her head to look back in front of her. In response he signalled for the bartender and turned to face her.

"Vodka single, please mate." The bartender nodded and produced the drink, in return the man slid over several crumpled dollar bills. She reached over and took the drink, downing it in one and letting out a hiss afterwards. "So I was wondering if, you know you-"

"Cut it out. Just say what you want, I think I know anyway." Her voice was cold but the man didn't care, she had a stunning body and in his mind, that was all that mattered.

"Fine, will you come and fuck me?" She shouldn't have been surprised by his words but still they stung a little. Then again she had chosen one of the roughest bars for a reason.

"Yeah, ok." She didn't smile, neither did he. Instead he just took her by the upper arm and pulled her to her unsteady feet. He wrapped his left arm around her and began leading her towards the exit.

"What's your name anyway?" The man asked clearly uninterested, he really was showing his true colours now. Not that she cared.

"Natasha." She didn't ask for his and in return and he didn't offer it.

The hospital had discharged her hours after Steve had taken his dramatic and intense exit, Natasha had gone straight to the bar after stealing some money from Tony's unsupervised wallet. She hadn't gone in intending to get drunk and agreeing to have sex with a random man but she had gone in knowing she needed to do something stupid, something reckless. And seeing as she had pushed Steve so far away, to the point that he didn't love her any more, this seemed somehow fitting. In her mind, she didn't deserve to be happy, or have a man that cared and respected her, she deserved to be punished and after her time in the Red Room, men had a certain way of hurting her.

His apartment was small and not particularly charming, the man led her to the table and she stumbled behind him. She was no longer an assassin, now she was just a weak woman completely at his mercy. He gestured to some white powder and she wondered whether she should go back to drugs as she had in her old life, she was about to shake her head, no, but he pushed her to her knees a silent message leaving her no choice.

Do it.

So she did, and soon she was high enough to not notice the man breathing heavily on top of her. She was crashing in on herself.

If they wouldn't let her commit suicide, she would self-destruct until they wished she would.

**It's getting dark again, I hope none of you hated this chapter too much but please let me know if you want Steve and Nat getting together soon or if you'd rather this type of thing. **

**Also, have any of you got any tips on how to stay calm (as in not anxious) when surrounded by a lot of people? If you do that would be amazing! And I really wish I could reply to all you reviews but the majority are written by guests so if you leave like a letter or number or something I'll leave a reply so you know who I'm talking to. **

**Please review, you guys just make it worth it. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you for the crowd tips guys, seriously they're all great, especially the music ones! Damn, I just love all your review, if you guys were any sweeter you'd be sour! **

**Guest (E) – Thank you, I really like the idea of observing people! I'm definitely gonna do that, I'm afraid I did cut, today actually, but I intend to try and stop again. I seriously hope you figure out a way to get an account and you're not annoying me at all, I really enjoy talking to you I just wish we could have a proper conversation! **

Her head was aching in rhythm to her heart; she could feel the after taste of vodka building around her teeth whilst her vision remained pathetically weak and blurry. She turned her head to the right and flinched back at the sight of the sleeping man next her, he had a heavy hand gripping her waist possessively. Her mind travelled back to the night before, memories danced in front of her eyes and she wished they wouldn't, she didn't want to remember. She couldn't decide which was worse, doing drugs again, sleeping with a random man or telling Steve she didn't love him.

She lied, of course. She loved him more than anything else, and it had only taken her several suicide attempts, sex with a horrible man and a relapse into drugs to make her see it herself. He loved her too. Hope surged through Natasha like a flare shot up on a dark night, but just as quickly it fizzled out into darkness when she realised that he used to love her.

Used to love her.

Used to.

Past tense.

"Mmmm…babe wanna do it again?" The man asked from beside Natasha, she grimaced inwardly and realised with shock that she had no strength, she knew she wouldn't be able to kill the man and was also very aware that if he tried to force her she wouldn't have much resistance. This thought burning into her mind she leapt up and began pulling her clothes back on, he sat up and grinned at her quickened movements, his smile widening as he watched her try and do her jean buttons up but failing due to her shaking hands. "Don't be like that." He muttered, reaching out and pulling her back onto the bed, she began to wriggle away but he pinned her down. She flinched as he slapped her hard, of course she had suffered worse, much worse, but that didn't lessen the shock or the pain.

"Bastard, let me go." She snarled and spat in his face, his eyes narrowed and he began pulling down her jeans, just as he raised his hand to hit the thrashing woman the door to the bedroom slammed open and flew off its hinges at the force. In the doorway stood Steve, he was dressed in normal jeans and a hoodie (something Natasha had previously bought him) he had the hood covering his face so he wouldn't be recognised. His whole posture was tense, shoulders squared and hands clenched, in two quick strides he was lifting the man by his shirt collar off Natasha and pushing him into the wall.

"If you ever-"Steve said, his voice rough and harsh, "try and hit my girlfriend again-"the soldier punched the wide eyed man, "you will wish you were never born." His words were said quietly but they carried a threat so strong that frightened even Natasha. The soldier slammed the man harder into the wall before releasing him and kicking his fallen body, pure rage had overtaken him and Natasha scrambled to his side, she pulled him back softly and he tore his gaze away from the bleeding civilian.

"Please stop." Natasha mumbled, immediately Steve nodded and turned his back on the puddle of a man, he brought Natasha back to where her clothes were, his grip was gentle and soft but Natasha saw him clenching his jaw. Carefully the soldier passed her the trousers and turned away as she dressed, he turned back around when she made a distressed sound, he saw her shaking hands trying to do up the slippery buttons and wordlessly he did them for her. "Thanks." She whispered and he nodded in response. Natasha wanted to ask why Steve had called her his girlfriend but she couldn't bring the words to her lips, she wanted to pathetically cling to any hope that lingered along with the chance of them being together.

"We need to talk, properly." He refused to meet her eyes as he spoke and led her firmly towards the door. Natasha realised he wasn't giving her a choice, he was pissed and he wasn't taking no for an answer. Like leading a small child away from danger he gripped her hand and pulled her out the apartment, as they reached the outside Natasha noticed the thunder and lighting, the rain was also speeding down, Steve sighed in annoyance. Quickly he shrugged off his jacket before holding it over Natasha's head and wrapping an arm around her back. "There's a coffee house just across the street." She nodded and they ran out into the rain.

Closer to each other than ever before.

But never having been further apart.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

"What are we going to do?" Pepper asked, her usually strong commanding voice was weaker as she leant into her boyfriend. He rubbed her shoulder and kissed her neck affectionately, it was a gentle sign of support.

"I don't know, once Steve brings her back we need to make sure she's comfortable and feels safe." Bruce's voice was slower than usual, he was sitting in his armchair, eye closed and rubbing his temples with his hands.

"Haven't we already tried that?" Tony asked, hints of anger appearing in his words. He wasn't angry at his teammates, or Natasha, he was angry at himself. He was a genius, he never failed, he could fix anything, so he couldn't for the life of him understand why he couldn't fix Natasha. "And where is she now? Fuck knows where."

"It does not matter. There is nothing more we can do, Lady Natasha is under our protection and also within our bonds as family, and one does not simply ignore family." Thor's voice was powerful, he was standing tall and challenging anyone to argue.

"Thor I was not suggesting that we abandon her, I love her more than you do! You just turned up and told her you'd look after her I actually fucking care about her!" Tony shouted back jumping to his feet. The god surged forward at the same time as the billionaire, Pepper's eyes filled with fear but Bruce (who was substantially more used to the arguments) just shook his head in exhaustion.

"Man of Iron do not accuse me of neglect, for I-" Thor began but before he could Clint was standing in between him and Tony, despite the archer being much smaller than Thor, the way Clint held his body made both the god and billionaire back down.

"Stop it! This isn't about who loves her more, because we all do, right?" Clint growled, they both nodded sheepishly, "This is about getting her better, and if she thought for even a second that she was causing any types of arguments between us it would upset her, right?" Both men nodded stiffly again. "So stop fucking arguing and get your acts together because the last thing she needs is us falling apart to!" With that the archer stormed from the room, the recent events having finally caught up with him. He left a rather uncomfortable silence behind him before Thor rumbled out,

"I apologise Man of Iron." Tony nodded in acceptance,

"Umm, yeah whatever, me too I guess." Was his reply, Tony never apologised, no matter what, so Thor took it as a compliment. After standing in an awkward silence for another minute the remaining Avengers began to get up, but just as they were about to leave Jarvis interrupted and what he said struck a jolts of fear into all their hearts,

"Sir, I must inform you Loki is in the entrance hall, he demands to speak with the Avengers, he says it is a matter of urgency." Tony's voice came out shaking as he desperately tried to hide it while Pepper clung to his arm,

"Why Jarvis? Ask him what's urgent." The cool British reply was not what they wanted to hear,

"Earth is under attack."

**Bet ya didn't expect that. I just wanna let you know that this is not an action story…unless you want it to be but otherwise it's not. Nothing is going to dramatically change apart from the new danger that the Avengers have to deal with, also about how Natasha will deal with it. **

**Do you want Loki in this story? Do you even want any action? **

**Please review, if you do I'll get another chapter up in a few days but otherwise you're gonna have to wait a while. Sorry. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Long time no see, I need to apologize and when you read this chapter you'll understand why, yes…it's that bad. **

**Things are getting bad again and I don't know how to stop them…guys I'm really scared…**

The café was small and noisy, the walls were old and solid and they created a sense of warmth and safety, there were two large windows on the left wall, a door placed in between them. The lights let off a gentle, constant hum that comforted the dinners that were bleary eyed and yawning, a warm toasted smell hung in the air, causing stomachs to rumble.

"Two coffees and one English breakfast." Steve ordered as he handed the laminated menus back to the smiling waitress, the solider barely noticed her and instead kept his eyes locked on Natasha sitting opposite him. He nodded at her, asking for confirmation on their order,

"Yeah, I don't want anything to eat." She confirmed, the waitress walked away and as soon as she was gone Steve shook his head at the spy.

"The breakfast is for you, you need to eat." Natasha tried her best not to scowl, at his words but she struggled, her mood visibly darkening as she came to the conclusion that Steve was upset and angry with her. He watched her with sad hooded eyes, her frame was smaller…more breakable, her collarbone protruded noticeably and she had dark heavy eyes.

"Look, Steve…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have slept with that douchebag but I did. I shouldn't have refused your help but I did, and I shouldn't have walked off on all of you and just gave up but I did. And that's the thing, I used to think I was strong, that I could look after myself but I was wrong. You should get out while you can, I know that you thought that you loved me but me getting closer to you will hurt you in the end and I don't think I can do that to you anymore." Her words acted like a trigger and as soon as they fell from her rounded pink lips his shoulders sagged and head bowed down.

"I shouldn't have shouted at you, it was wrong, I know that I'm not good at this but I am trying, god damn it I'm trying so hard. Nat, I know you don't love me back and it was cruel of me to pressure you into a relationship and make you feel guilty for saying no, it was selfish and wrong. But at the end of the day everything I said is true, I do love you. And I promise to support you every second of every day, if you feel sad ill do whatever I can to make you happy, ill hide you from the world if that's what you need I will do anything for you…regardless if we're in a relationship or not." He raised his head after his speech and his eyes widened as he realized Natasha was not there. Jumping up from his seat and sending his chair falling backwards he charged for the door, ignoring the looks of surprise and suspicion from other dinners.

As he stepped onto the outside pavement, icy air twirled around him. Despite it being early morning it was dark, the clouds formed a large blanket and blocked off the sun, he scanned the street quickly, blue eyes frantically searching for her. And there she was, doing something that was not in her character.

She was crying.

He didn't waste anytime and ran over to her, immediately wrapping his arms around her shaking form and allowing her to rest her head on his chest. He shushed her softly as her muffled sobs reached his ears, strangers gave them odd looks as they passed but neither the solider or spy noticed or even cared.

"I love you too Steve." Her voice was so gentle Steve was sure he imagined it but then she continued, "I said I didn't because I didn't want to hurt you anymore but I understand now. No matter what you're here for me and I need you Steve, please don't leave me, I'm scared and tired, please don't leave me." Her body had stopped shaking but she had not been able to bring herself to look him in the eyes…as it turns out she didn't need to.

"I'll never leave you, I promise, I love you too." His voice was so strong Natasha clung to it and managed to calm herself almost completely. Slowly Steve placed his hands on either side of Natasha's face and brought his lips down to hers and they kissed, it was fleeting and soft, neither of them could have handled more.

"Steve what-" Before Natasha could continue a heavy crash landed next to them, on pure reflex they both jumped up and turned to the offending noise. It was Thor. He stood up shakily, his face grim and muscles almost pulsing.

"Lord Steven, Lady Natasha, I bring bad news, Earth is under attack and we must return to Avengers Tower immediately." Steve wrapped his arm back around Natasha and she leant into his chest, all energy abandoning her quickly.

"Thor can't you deal with this without Nat?" Steve asked, his voice back in his Captain tone.

"I am afraid not, Loki has requested to speak with Lady Natasha, I offered to bring you back before he tried to track her." Natasha could hear the concern in the two males voices as they spoke in hushed tones above her. All she wanted was to hide somewhere quiet, perhaps with Steve holding her, or even just by herself. She knew that although she wanted to get better she could not handle trying to save the world right now, purely because she couldn't even save herself.

The blackness was seeping across her world again, slowly poisoning everything and anything remotely positive. Yes, she had just admitted to Steve that she loved him but even the super solider was unable to protect her from this. Why? Because it was herself, her mind, she was slowly killing herself and no one could stop her. It was wrapping itself around her again, she wanted to end it, to stop this dark feeling, she was so wrapped up in her viscous emotions that she had not realized she was crying again.

Tear dribbled down her cheeks as the rain began to fall again.

Inside the café a waitress brought two coffees and a full English breakfast to the now empty table, she sighed in annoyance and placed the food and drink down, whilst wondering '_Who were they?' _

**Please review, I know this was really bad, I'm so sorry I don't know what's going on at the moment, if it's that bad tell me and I'll delete it. **


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